I wanted to live a dream- the dream. Nice house, wonderful kids and adorable husband. I never wanted to be in a situation where I am now. Separated, 2 failed relationships and managing cancer. My recent relationship was a life lesson learned. We met at work. Charming as he was, good looking and seems to be intelligent. He was also funny, so that kinda took the cake. So we started seeing each other and I guess I fell in-love with this man, and before I knew it, he was living in my house.
Insanity
It was fun for a while , he was funny, sensible, we talked a lot about things, different topics, dreams... Until police show up at the house looking for a "fake name" that embodied his description. I let that pass. Then we had our first fight. Apparently he didn't like people raising their voice at him ( but he can, at you). So he took a knife from the kitchen and held it to my throat telling me "never to raise my voice to him". In hindsight, I should have ended the relationship that time.
Then after, there was a woman that called him up Christmas eve, (our first Christmas together). The next day he takes off and comes back with goodies. A phone, shirts and a branded backpack. I asked him where it came from, he said from his aunt from "abroad". Later that week he forgets his phone and a girl calls, claims to be his girl friend. Of course I was a bit confused and infuriated but calmly asked her who she is because, the man she claims to be her boyfriend is living in my house and is calling me his wife. She said, "he told me, you are old and ugly and he is leaving you" . So I said, OK then I will tell him to be with you when he comes back. And ended the conversation. When he came back, I confronted him and he said he will give her everything back and break up with her, which he did. In hindsight, I should've ended the relationship that time. There were selfish things he did. Not giving his share of the expenses, food, electricity, rent, etc.. I had a job, a stable one, so I let that pass. I talked to him about that so he said he will go and do his share. But after a month or two, he would go back to his old selfish ways.
And then there was "his dream". To become a famous rapper in the Philippines to start and then go international. Well it started when an agent spotted me in the jeepney on my way to work. He gave me his card and wanted me to see a "manager". So, because I love him and wanted him to have the same opportunity, I asked him to come with me, so I can introduce him to the manager. Long story short , the manager took us on. But in the end it didn't work out in the end. After that he pursued his "dream". Spent more time and focus on that. It turned out , he was the kind of person that valued his friends more than his family or valued people who currently give him the feeling of euphoria. But it didn't end there, he also put his needs first more than anybody.
The river in Egypt - Denial
I don't this to sound cliche but I did love a man that was destructive. Maybe I am one of those women who fall for the "bad boy" image, but I didn't want him to be a "real" bad boy! Oh, he had a temper alright. Don't get me wrong, except for the "knife-to-my-throat" incident, he hasn't laid a hand on me. But he did with furniture, things and anything he can direct his anger upon. Seems like a normal fight for a lot of wives, partners... no one really gets physically hurt. But I realized, that not being psychically hurt doesn't mean it's OK. He said things that were insulting, degrading , hurtful and threatening.
When I was scared for my life once, when we had a fight, I ran out the door.. he called me " stupid and a bad mother for running out of the house and leaving my sleeping child in there with him.
He called me stupid all the time, for being kind, for being sensible, for being right.
When I was diagnosed with cancer ( a tumor on my left thigh), I didn't have a job, so I had to sell my car for the operation. He blamed me for getting sick because we had to sell the car. His status symbol. He didn't spend a dime for doctor's fees and operation to take out the tumor. He didn't even have the patience to stay in the hospital with me. In hindsight, I should've ended the relationship then.
So because he is unreliable with responsibilities, against the doctor's orders, with stitches still fresh, I went to find a job. With my fold-able cane handy, I went to Makati, (Manila's business district) Alabang (South of Manila) , Quezon City (Metro Manila) which is about an hour's bus ride to find a job. And thank God I did, but we had to move out of a nice neighborhood. I paid for the rent again..and everything else. Oh yes, he did take on the responsibility of paying for electricity out of all the expenses. Once in a while he did pay for it. Most of the time , if the bill was 5 thousand , he'd give me 3 thousand and expect me to chip-in the rest. Which was almost always the case.
The year I had my operation, even though he had a job, my 12 year old daughter had to stop going to school. He did not help me try to get her back in school at all. He came home one day, with a game consul, speaker system and a TV worth about 30 thousand. I was appalled because he had money but of course, he saved that for himself. This was 7 years into this relationship. My daughter had to sacrifice a year of school and he had his gaming system set up.
The resentment kept building up. My illness recurred, but I kept on working. Can you blame me? I cannot rely of this man to keep things together. I've seen it and lived it. I rode the bus everyday with the tumor growing, getting uncomfortable for me to sit at work, in the bus or van to get home. Not to mention the excruciating pain!
When I do have pain, he wasn't there to comfort me. Even if he heard my cries. All I had was my children. When it came to the point that I really needed to find a way to be well and get rid of this growth. I went to a doctor and he told me I had to go through radiation treatment and chemotherapy.
I knew I needed this to be done in order for my kids to have a mother beside them when they needed me. I wouldn't certainly leave them with this man??
So I did what I could, wrote letters, asked for help from friends to fund my treatment. And thanks to friends and family I got through the treatments. But in that whole ordeal, he wasn't there. I had to lie to hospital staff that I was single, didn't have a man, because 100% of all the patients in treatment had some kind of family if not their husbands, boyfriends with them , beside them everyday of their treatment.
I was alone.
He would in passing ask me if I needed him to go with me, if I said yes, he would sleep through it, because he worked at night. But when friends call , he would spend money even without sleep, endure 4 hour bus rides to get to them. and I was alone.
And even in my condition, the verbal abuse didn't stop. He would say things like, "why don't you just die?" , " my friends would probably help out with the funeral" ... " I will smother you when you sleep".... it's like he expected me to die, but the sad thing about it is, it didn't seem like he was "gonna do something about it". It seemed like I was an inconvenience now, he openly said we ain't together anymore and it's not gonna work out, but kept living in my house, eating my food and wasting my electricity that I still paid for even if I was jobless!!
There came an opportunity for him to move out of the house, because his "friend" offered him a cushy job. So he ignored his regular stable job for this one. Asking me to lie for him with HR if they called me, asking why he wasn't working. So he had to move 4 hours away to get to this job that promised him eventual wealth if he stuck to it. I wouldn't say it's an ideal job but he wanted it.
Two weeks into it, he calls to convince me (being the selfish bastard that he is) to move back near my hometown so he can see his daughter. Even if I had to take care of bills , for rent, electricity, the home owners association's paper work, transfer my daughter (who is now back in school) to another one, and stop my treatments - just so he can be happy. It struck me, it's time for me to be happy and finally recover from this illness! So as lame and inappropriate as it was, I BROKE UP with him over the phone. I told him to go do what he needs to do and I will , what I need to do. He said it's not working out with us anyway. But I think he lives vicariously through the lives of his friends, because if they have a family, then "we are his family" .If they buy a bike, he has to have one too! He even chose buying a bike over the kids having a small birthday party, paying the electric bill. I felt like we were "disposable"! If his friends went out with family, he wanted us to go, to show up, looking happy and shit , when we are not!
So i thought I am rid of him. I won't have to walk on eggshells with him in the house, trying to be quiet, telling the kids to be quiet, lest he would throw a tantrum!
I wake up feeling free, didn't have to worry about what food to cook, he might complain about, didn't worry about making noise, watching what I want, and most especially not stressing on a person who I should be counting on but is virtually invisible in my life. But he calls one day demanding that I bring our daughter to where he is or he will kill my family or me!
I was so scared for my life that I really went to the police station and reported his threats. I was interviewed on the radio by a 'Tulfo" ( a family of media commentators and vigilantes), to talk about my legal rights to my daughter and what I can do to have him stop this. But the reason I did that is because he went to my house and started threatening my life in front of my children and my dad. Yeah, he was sly, he mouthed that he was "going to kill me" when my dad's back was turned. But basically, the kids were traumatized by this. But he didn't care about this!
Nightmares - The aftermath
Now my older daughter has recurring nightmares of us running away from him, him finding us and hearing my screams. My younger daughter has no idea what's going on, but she doesn't want to live with him. And no child deserves to! In the height of my fear for my life, I made a video saying if anything bad happened to me, or if I mysteriously disappeared, that he would be the main suspect. No other person would want me dead than him.
Surprisingly, one early freaking morning, he went to the house, I didn't know whether to let him in or not. He claimed he wanted to give the kids "gifts" , he ended stayed for 2 days. Those seemed like weeks! I was not comfortable at all, my police contact was on my speed dial and texted him that if I didn't text him every 2 hours is to go check the house out. Clearly he doesn't belong with us anymore.
The nightmares continue for me and my daughter, but eventually it will pass. The reality is I am not living that nightmare anymore. I am happy everyday! Not like before, I was very unhappy and even if he knew that, he wanted me to live with it. "It was my problem" as he says.
Looking back I might as well give my self a medal, for trying, for enduring and for being there for my kids throughout my illness and dealing with him.
I look forward to a full recovery, walking without crutches and see my kids grow up and be happy. There is hope, as long as we live, there is hope. The only person that can change the situation is yourself! So make the necessary changes while you still have time to make them.
If anything I hope to reach some women out there who are in a similar situation. There is hope :)
Peace and love
-heven7
